i am feeling very emotional now, with all emotions rushing into my head all at the same time.
i dont know where to start from but i just wan to rant it somewhere.
it is easier to hide the truth then to say it.
has anyone of you ever been through something that you wished you never did?
i am sure every one has.
its the scale of hurt that is different and the handling of truth.
just like some people who couldnt handle the truth choose death.
for me, i wanted death and to live both at the same time.
i am beginning to think and wonder about everything that has happened to me in my life since the day i left my house of comfort when i was 17.
searching for something that i thought was important then yet seem bleak to me now.
and despite the strong front i had in front of people, nobody knows my story.
it was 10 years of pain, sweat, tears , memories and wounds .
nothing could bring me back, nothing could undo anymore.
i never learn from my lesson, i fall in love fast and hard time and time again after every break up.
i have numerous boyfriends and flings.
but putting those aside, i really am waiting and searching for the man who gave me 2 of his rib bones to come along.
i was a flirt because my ratio of guys to girl friends is 85:10
to what good and decent guys might think i was just another walking sex toy .
nobody really knows what happend before, what happened after.
what everyone knows is what's happening now, the good side that i portray.
deep down, i am lost, wasted, used, miserable and unhappy.
when i first step into a relationship i always thought ya this guy is my forever, this guy will marry me, this guy is good very good.
but they all turned out to be jerks in the end. hurting me worse and worse each time .
and thats when i got sick .
i was reading my EX BFF who is a LEO blog back in 2008. as i read her blog, it made sense to me now that i am the one who was really sick.
i was aggressive, fighting mode 24/7, eager to please, self centred and protective.
but i have no self esteem and i feel inferior compared to my friends all the time.
but people do grow up, people do change, and i still think its not too late for me to change now.
to be a better person.
i am less aggressive now, fighting mode 5/7, not at all willing to please, 0 self esteem but still very protective now.
but as my life starts getting better, someone or something will try to bring it down again.
i do not know if i still have the strength to carry on with this.
i am on the verge of breaking down.
i wanted desperately for someone who will stay by my side and be my companion, someone who i can tell my past ten years to and still love me like a new. i wanted someone who will comfort me, honour me, walk beside me, encourage me, support me and bring me back my self esteem.
someone for me to fall back onto, someone who can lie beside me to cry with me, who will caress my wounds and nurture me.
i need someone as understanding as god.
i need someone like my mother who understands me.
who will NEVER leave no matter what.
